The Last Day of First Grade!!

Thank God for the last day of first grade!! My oldest is such a wonderful kid. He's smart, loud, fun loving, goofy and not afraid to speak up (like way up, no volume control- UP). He's a great kid and I know he's going to be an amazing adult. I'm excited to see how God continues to shape and mold him in this life. So today is actually his second, last day in first grade. When we left California, we weren't sure if we were going to re-enroll him in school here in Texas. We had a good bye party for him in his class, gave his teacher flowers, lots of  hugs and thought it'd be a last day of first grade. Cade was very well connected in his class. Most of his teachers like to refer to him as the president. He knows everybody. He likes everybody and everybody likes him. I figured if we jumped into another school, it would be close to the same for Cade. Well, like in many things, I was wrong.

Once we moved into our new home and out of desperation to get Cade back into school, I re-enrolled him. I prayed about it. I felt like this was the best way to get him back into some sort of routine and hopefully, he'd make a few friends for the summer. I should've known something was bothering him when he started asking to stay home. Cade loves school. When he's sick, I have to force him to stay home and usually, I end up taking him in after lunch because he doesn't want to miss his buddies.

Cade started having fits of emotions when I'd pick him up from school. He was frustrated about running errands or pretty much anything.  He'd cry when I'd make him do the one line of homework that his teacher assigned. He was just really frustrated with his new school. I asked him about friends at school and if he had any. He made one. My poor son was so crushed inside and I just don't know how to alleviate his pain.

Over the past few weeks, I'd check in with him on how he was feeling about our move and his new school. I was really trying to get him to say his feelings instead of just breaking down over every little thing in life. He'd tell me he didn't like Texas, it was hot, there are bugs, he didn't like his school, etc. Cade is the ultimate perfectionist. He loves to win, loves to know how everything works (like everything, "mom, how does the TV make a picture on the screen?" you get the idea) and he loves being good at stuff. I think with all the adjustments and unknowns, he really started to get down on himself. He told me he would call himself stupid in class and get in trouble from his teacher. Then he told me what no mom ever wants to hear like EVER. He said that he has been telling himself that he hates himself. My heart hit the floor.

All I could do was cry.

My heart just broke. I was filled with all the emotions that I've ever felt for this boy. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I cried tears of joy. The moment I saw him, I cried and laughed.
"I asked the Lord to give me this boy, and he granted my request." (1 Samuel 1:27 NLT)
I'm sure that's how Hannah felt when she said that. I cried when he was 2 and nearly knocked his two front teeth out on our front porch steps. After dropping him off at Kindergarten, I cried as I was walking away. I cried as I was rushing to the ER because I received a phone call that he had a seizure. And I cried when he told me he hated himself. I'm sure there are many other times that I have wept over my boy and I know there will be plenty more in the future. But hearing him say this just hurt me to the core.

I reminded Cade of all the love I have for him. I told him all the special things about him that I hold dear and think are so amazing about him. And more importantly, I told him that God loves him even deeper then that. 1 John 3:1 (NIV)  "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" I love the exclamation points. It's like shouting the awesomeness of who God is and how he sees us! I believe every time I have cried or wept over my children, God is sitting next to me weeping too because I am His child. He hurts when I hurt and he rejoices when I rejoice. He is my Abba Father.

Today is the last day of first grade for Cade and thank God for it. I believe He is rejoicing over Cade enduring the change and that he has been trying hard to make friends. And I also believe that God is hurting where Cade hurts, too. Cade is His child. May my son's ears be more receptive to the voice of God. May God's voice be louder then the crowd of negativity in his life. May his heart be so rooted in God's love that not even negative self talk can penetrate it. May Cade feel God's love in a whole new way this summer.

Happy last day of school y'all!!
Love, Reese